My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
