My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
