yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
