i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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