I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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