I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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