8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
