either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
