8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
3pm strippers are depressing
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
