my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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