Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
