two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
