You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
