When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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