Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
