i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
