why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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