I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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