He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
