Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
