Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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