I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
