I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
