I am puke
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
