Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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