you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
