Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
