Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
