he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
