The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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