The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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