Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
