How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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