Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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