dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
