how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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