um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
