but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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