i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
