So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
