your thong is hanging out like whoa
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
