The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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