Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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