I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Someone shit on the floor
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
