Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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