Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
COCAINE IS GR8
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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