my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
