why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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