i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
