My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
