He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
