Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
